Sunday, November 1, 2009

The VICE Halloween Party is Decadent and Depraved

Okay, typically, I am somewhat troubled by the unending deluge of young people describing the excruciating minutae of their daily lives on the internet, but shit, everybody else is doing it, so maybe I will be entitled just this once.

Last night, our band played at the VICE Magazine 15th Anniversary/Halloween party, which took place in some kind of unfinished warehouse space on N. 10th Street in Williamsburg. The theme of the party was "1994," and thusly, we were contracted to play a set of Weezer covers for generous compensation. Also, Jesus Lizard and Bad Brains were playing, and who doesn't want to play with them? Sounds great, right? Yeah, I thought so too.

The people who put on the event were very nice and gave us lots of free beer and sandwiches and all manner of other swag, and took special care to see all of our needs were met and gave us a nice room to hang out in, and so on. Around the time that Jesus Lizard were supposed to start, we crossed the street to try and see what was to be seen. We should have known we were in for trouble when the security gaurds wouldn't let us in, despite the fact that we had artist wristbands and guitars, and wouldn't explain to us why we were being denied. "I'm in a band, we're playing tonight," I told one burly gentleman. "Cool shit," he scoffed. Eventually, we had to be escorted in by the arist liason, who had to keep constant walkie-talkie communication with his colleagues. It was really bonkers!

Once we were inside, Jesus Lizard was hard to enjoy for all of the indie "Lord of the Flies" type shennanigans going on all around us. For every person drinking a beer or snorting coke in the bathroom, there were five people taking his or her picture, and they seemed to all be dressed as characters from Pulp Fiction. Okay, fair enough. It is fun, like, for Facebook and stuff, right? Something like that? Okay, fine, but by the tenth or eleventh time that some stranger took our picture while we were trying to relax and pretend we weren't in a swelteringly hot and disgusting filthy warehouse, my partner and I had had enough, and tried to seek shelter downstairs. This was equally terrifying (but kind of cool too, actually), wandering around the ground floor, which was covered in a very thick artifical fog, from which skeletons and other assorted ghouls would appear without warning. Yikes!

At this point, Bad Brains were playing, and it was clear more trouble was in store, when some guy in some sort of medeival doungeon master getup tried to crowd surf during "Attitude," which inspired the security to storm the stage twelve or so deep, evacuate the Bad Brains, and stand like some sort of musclehead Stonehenge along the end of the stage, while their leader informed everyone, "This is not a concert, this is a party. Have a seat." Of course, the floor was covered in horrible grime and broken glass, but whatever.

Poor Bad Brains. Or is it? With all due respect to these legends of hardcore and reformed homophobes, I don't know if I can ever recall a more phoned-in performance in all my life. This should come as no surprise, based on the ubiquity of weed stench emenating from their dressing room, and the equally ever-present site of all-time-greatest-hardcore-singer front-runner HR sitting motionless on a couch (seriously - this hardcore legend did not move an inch during the whole evening!). I mean, whatever floats yr boat, HR, more power to you, but for this Greatest Hardcore Band Ever to get onstage and have their singer remain motionless in body and completely monotone in voice... I dunno, it is just not how I imagined it might be. Disappointing at best.

Well, this whole scene was fucked, clearly, and my ladyfriend was getting more and more disturbed by the assholery on display (or sexual harassment, as she would call it, and perhaps rightly so) and the constant picture-taking by stangers, that she had to go home and try and live like a reasonable person. I wish I could have followed her, but as will become a theme throughout this sad tale, I really needed the money. So, I escorted her out of the building and out of the hellish nightmare that was this party, and I was glad to see her moving towards a more peaceful and decent evening.

Okay, so here is where shit got really weird, for me, anyway. I guess I should mention that I was dressed as Ulysses S. Grant, albeit a more glam version (I had no pants that matched my military jacket, so the above-mentioned ladyfriend lent me some blue leggings - a liberty I felt free to take), and my principal props were a cigar and a mid-sized American flag that I had attached to a mop handle. Understand me very clearly - there is no punk that loves the idea of America and what the flag represents at its best (all humans being created equal, land of opportunity, hard work and ensuing prosperity, forty acres and a mule, a potato in every pot, etc etc), and while some might take issue at my version of our 18th president being more in touch with his feminine side than he probably was, this costume was an unironic celebration and homage to a man that I deeply admire, drunken murderer that he was. Anyway. This is the important part!

Upon seeing my partner off, I was confronted by a large security gaurd, clearly recognizable as the sort of fellow I have encountered on NJ Transit and in the bro bars of Hoboken and frat parties the world over more times than I care to recall.

"You can't have that flag in here," he told me.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You can't have that flag in here, you have to take it outside," he replied.

"The flag?" I asked, confused.

"Just step outside," he said calmly.

This seemed like an odd request, but hey, he knows what he's talking about right, and perhaps he just wants to explain things more clearly to me when we are further displaced from the incessant thumping of electronic music, so I followed him a few yards in the direction of the door, at which point, he yelled, "NOW LEAVE!" and, grabbing me around the torso, began forcing me towards the metal barricades. I protested, primarily in the form of "Hey! Hey!" Not my most locquacious moment, but I was baffled. Growing frustrated at the effort it was taking to get a one hundred forty pound man in tights to do what he wanted, this gentleman grabbed me around the throat and lifted me off the pavement, tossing me over the barricade and onto the sidewalk. I figure that either, a) he saw his position of authority as a good opportunity to stomp queers like he used to with the other good old boys, or, b) this guy was a real American and seeing a degenerate hipster like me hoisting Old Glory was just so offensive a sight that he was driven into a blind rage, like any reasonable person would. Point is, I was now forcefully ejected and, indeed, physically assaulted, and unable to gain access to the event where I was expected to entertain the assembled masses. Did I mention that this assault was probably the single moment of the night that wasn't documented in about a hundred photographs, currenlty weighing heavily upon the Flickr server? Again, I digress.

So, at this point, feeling very insulted and violated, my neck now a mess of red handprints, and not really getting anywhere with my howls of, "You can't treat me like this! I'm an American!", I made my second-ever call to 911, who told me that police would be along shortly to see to my needs! Woo! Indeed, the police did arrive a minute later, sirens and all, and I ran after the car to tell them that I was the man who was so ghastily offended, but they turned the corner and sped off into the night, probably quite satisfied in knowing that the victim was some hipster douchebag who probably had it coming. Thanks, guys. To serve and protect. Fantastic.

Anyway, I called up my man, Ian, who is smarter than me about this sort of thing, and he came out to get the 411. Upon hearing the abbreviated version of my ordeal, he ran back inside to find the artist liason and get things sorted out. He returned a minute later to have my back, because that's how we do it in New Jersey baby, but upon trying to explain the situation to our ever-vigilant protectors, he too was swarmed upon by five or six mighty gorillas (Ian is about a hundred fifty pounds, by the way - none of these guys looked less than two fifty) and forced out in a similar fashion to myself. Hoo boy. What a pair we made, out there on the sidewalk. Ian is a good guy. He always has my back. A friend like that is hard to find.

Soon enough, the artist liason, a very nice young man named Joe, came over and found himself unable to sufficiently explain to the security that the two men they had just delivered minor-league ass-whuppings to were hired performers and needed to be inside to do their jobs, we had to be snuck through the back door. We met another security gaurd here, who I suppose was fairly high on the totem pole, since upon seeing me, said to Joe, "This guy's not getting back in. I saw one of my guys throw him out." Admirable, isn't it? Such integrity, such a commitment to excellence. This guy is going to make sure that his carefully-selected team of professionals is going to do what they believe to be the best job possible, even if it means assaulting the performers and alienating and terrifying the promoters who hired them.

I was ready to get wild at this point, so I berated this man to what I thought was a well-warranted degree, to which I was told to, "Calm down," since the man I was yelling at, "didn't know what happened." I told him that I did know what happened, and if he knew, perhaps he wouldn't be so keen on calming down either, which I thought was very fair. He must have thought so too, since he told me he wanted to start at "Ground Zero." Too soon?

Anyway, we were escorted back inside and played a very shitty set of Weezer covers. No, playing the all-time greatest guitar lick at the end of the "Buddy Holly" solo did NOT make me feel better.

Talking to the people from VICE following our performance, we learned that some young women had been ejected in a fashion much like the one I experience, though with an even more disturbing sexual twist, which I did not get the details of. They also said that they had severed their ties with the good people at Tight Security (http://www.tightsecuritygroup.com, if yr curious) and were actually going to sue them for their heinous misbehaviors. I agreed that I would give a statement whenever they needed. Is VICE actually going to do this, or were they just trying to hush me up and get me out of there? Time will tell. Next time you see one of those VICE folks, ask him or her how the lawsuit is going. I somehow get the feeling they will be too concerned with the latest gold lame unitard ad from American Apparel to give you much of an answer, but I hope I am mistaken.

With that, Eric, Liam and I went back to my apartment and watched "Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1-12" and felt all better, mostly. Walking young Liam to the L Train this morning, we found ourselves behind some typically costumed "hipsters" who delighted themselves between games of grab ass by smashing beer bottles on the ground and rearranging police barricades. Wow, you make us all look so great. Guess where they were headed? You win, you clever reader - they headed right into the very warehouse that had been such a portal to hell the night before.

Ughhh, this all raises so many questions! New York City is supposed to be a haven for people like me, and I am still getting my ass kicked by the same goons who were kicking my ass in high school. They probably want to kick my ass because they see what huge assholes we all are, with our cocaine and our cameras and our annoying music. I also wonder why it was that so many thousands of people wanted to stand for hours in the rain to get hot and filthy and have their pictures taken by strangers and probably get their asses kicked to boot. I was there too, and didn't want to leave despite any of these issues, and why? Because I am no better than anyone I despise and couldn't stop chasing the green monster. I degraded and debased myself for a few bucks, and yes, we all know where that money is going.

The whole thing is fucked. VICE is a perfectly fine magazine, and the people who work there are decent folks, but they really are bad at not getting mixed up with the wrong people and inspire my generation to really weird and troubling behavior. Tight Security Inc is raking in the big dollars by pointing fallen high school football superstars in the direction of easy targets. We are being choked and beaten and sexually assaulted, and all the while, my peers dance and snort cheap coke and photograph each other for the hundreth time. I scoff at it all now from atop my high horse, but I was there too, because I am poor and when people want give me money to play my guitar, I can't ever say no.

Kids, we are blowing it. Everything they say about us is true.

Yr friend,
Patrick

504 comments:

1 – 200 of 504   Newer›   Newest»
agentmule said...

What a disaster

Joseph said...

Wow, and I thought my Halloween sucked.

Ronald said...

the set ruled though! you guys sounded great and it was super fun

Les Neuhaus said...

Jesus. Sent this to Gawker ...

WUSB New Jamz said...

http://www.sadtrombone.com/
It beats my Halloween. Mine didn't include violence, hate, sweaty hipsters, cocaine, or BAD BRAINS. :[ This wouldn't have happened if I didn't take a break from my superhero duties.

Pop Jew said...

I was supposed to go to this, walked up with my buddy, took one look at the chaos on the outside (at 1030 pm, no less!), called my friend who works at VICE to apologize, and high tailed it out of there. Glad to see I made the right decision.

National Drinking Holidays are terrible, terrible days. People think they have an excuse to be drunk jerks because w000000000t it's Halloween/New Years/St Patrick's Day!

Fuck this shit, I'm as big a hipster douchebag as the next gal, but I'm getting fucking sick of this shit. Gotta move to North Carolina or some shit.

xoxo

Charlie D. said...

Makes me sort of glad that I got soaked to the bone at the parade and didn't make it out there. Sounds like a bad scene to say the least.

the Accidental Genius said...

I heard The Jesus Lizard played the whole Exile on Main Street album!! That must've ruled!

:)

AIIAZNSK8ER said...

that is really dissapointing to hear. I respect you guys and your decision to play on, even if it is just for the money. Do what you have to because I need you guys to keep making more music!
-Paul

Omid said...

My first time here and all I have to say is the hackneyed: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Vivian Girls said...

In summer 2008 we played a VICE party and the security was very much the same. Although my experience wasn't nearly as bad as yours, I do remember one instance where we were about to go on, and I was in the downstairs area trying to get to the upstairs area (where the stage was), and the security guard guarding the staircase kept telling me that the upstairs was full and to "tell your manager to talk to me." I couldn't get up there until Katy realized something was wrong and sent a guy from VICE to find me. Terrible!! There were a lot of complaints that night about the security too, and obviously nothing has changed.

ericbobs said...

The gods help those who help themselves. Hit the weights Patrick.

Iman Lababedi said...

Hi Patrick, my name is Iman Lababedi. Met you at the Whitney gig... I have a music blog and would love to post this post on mine.

it is rocknycliveandrecorded.com

if that is ok pls advise...

Thanks,

Iman

CitizenJMAC said...

I know I'm missing the point here, but getting paid to play Weezer covers (and I agree--that Buddy Holly lick is the coolest) and then going home to watch Trapped In the Closet sounds like a pretty awesome night to me.

BeBo Talk said...

i wish less of the arty hip kids who purport themselves to be above average and educated had behavior more respectable than the shit heads they act like they are rebelling against. keep the bumps coming, guys.

the security conflict is more surprising to me though. isn't the entertainment's comfort level paramount to putting on a good show?

Charles Vallarino said...

When I read that the guy said,
"Ground Zero" I was like it must be someone from Blackwater or a Sarah Palin wanna be commando. Or you can find them in any or all of David Baldacci's novels always playing the bad guy.

ronald said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ronald said...

hey les:

you must have a lot of media clout:

http://gawker.com/5394676/how-vice-spent-250000-on-an-anniversary-party/gallery/?skyline=true&s=x

if gawker had a good time, cant be all that bad.

Italians Do It Better said...

LOL

Mookie said...

You talk too much.

c'est froid said...

I had the luxury of leaving the Vice party on my own free will after a douchebag took his pants off and tried to "grind up" on my friend. When we yelled at him to stop, he finally left us alone after throwing his free margarita in our faces.

Too bad the security guards were so busy throwing the bands out onto the street they didn't have time to monitor the real assholes at the party.

brian said...

If the party needs bouncers, then the crowd it is attracting is shiat. You should really think twice before going into any joint that has any more security than a door man checking ID and maybe one other guy to prevent a bum rush at the door. Beyond that you are really putting yourself in some serious danger - bouncers tend to be bad news all around.

Jessica Hamm said...

I am so sorry because I witnessed this take place and I just stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to do so I went and danced to shitty music. Everything you said is true. Also, I liked your costume.

Helen of Destroy said...

that's pretty fucking terrifying. my band has had trouble with getting past security before but we usually play at less public parties thrown by a group of people that have been hiring from the same general pool of dudes for years. & i've NEVER seen it get physical. [we played on Halloween at the Danger party in e.williamsburg & aside from the fact that one literally could not move upon stepping inside, the only 'trouble' came from other party guests who thought it was ok to attempt to mount the stage & play our instruments]

have you seen shit get this bad just at Vice parties or at other venues/events you've performed?

Alissa said...

I would not wait for VICE to sue, you can sue the person who assaulted you. Its a pain in the ass but the only way to stop the practice of hiring these goons is to make the security companies view them as a liability. I'm sure you can find a lawyer/fan to help out.

I've never felt safer because a bouncer was present. People you can't reason with are terrifying.

Solomon Grundy said...

You should DEFINITELY file criminal charges against the bouncer. Call 911 again and insist on rounding up these gorillas. Assault is assault is assault. If you're feeling inspired, you could probably get a pretty penny (prob via settlement) if you filed a civil suit against the company, for damages. They are not above the law.

Joseph said...

i think the reason you had a bad time is because you're in a horrible cartoon of an indie rock band (jesus, doesn't that genre even sound like a bunch of pussies) who tried to play at a place that was set up for a real rock show. the only thing "we're" blowing is making bands like yours popular enough to get booked by someone like vice. i was at the party and had a great time, and i got into some fights with security and limp-wristed hipsters alike. i am not guido scum, just a person who thinks that rock shows/parties like this are way too placid these days. anyone who was up front for jesus lizard can attest to this. david yow is not any bigger than you, and if a guard tried to step up to him i guarantee the fucker would be missing an ear. you get what you ask for.

Kan Kamrk said...

I had a blast. Security was more or less non-existant in my dealings. At one point my friend broke up a fight by bear-hugging some drunk guy, because security was no where to be found. Got there, saw what I came to see and split. Good times.

"New York City is supposed to be a haven for people like me, and I am still getting my ass kicked by the same goons who were kicking my ass in high school."

Be fair these aren't the same goons. We have better goons in New York City. Our goons will also rob you and maybe even introduce you to a plunger.

SleepWhenDead said...

Those last two comments are pretty gross. Joseph and Kan-whatever, you're cardboard cutouts of what's wrong with people at parties like that.

Vice is misogynistic and parasitic.

Thanks for using the soapbox you've got access to, Patrick, to make people think about it.

mikki said...

I agree with Sleep When Dead/Joe, especially this: "Vice is misogynistic and parasitic." Patrick I respect you deeply but you lost me when you said "Vice is a fine magazine." They support some good music but the operation as a whole is so tarnished by the other things they do and say that I would not enter into any kind of relationship with them, as a customer or an artist.

Gavin McInnes in 2003:

"The joy of mass immigration is easy to talk about when you live in the suburbs and benefit from cheap housecleaning, but when you are going to schools that are 50 percent Spanish and watching your education slip through your fingers, you tend to be a little more pragmatic. The same goes for affirmative action."

None said...

Interesting that this "party" was thrown by Vice magazine since it sounds like it was something akin to sodom and gomorrah... It would take a very large sum of money to get me even on that block much less inside, and no doubt seeing the myriad douche in attendance gyrate to Dudley, and further take pictures of the gyrating would've made me lose my mind. What a disaster...

Ronald said...

You pulled up a quote from 6 years ago from a guy who doesn't work there anymore? Well done!!!

mikki said...

It's an example, not a historical treatise.

Wanted to note that when I said I agreed with Sleep When Dead/Joe, I meant Joe A., not the "Joseph" who left the jerky comment.

radioflyer said...

Sue the security guys.

I used to work concert security at a big festival. I can say about 95% of our staff were swell people who wanted everyone to have fun, but we hired an outside security firm that just delighted in beating up kids half their size. Having worked the job, I understand how stressful keeping large crowds safe can be. And I also know that shit like this is NEVER necessary.

That outside firm we hired got sued all the time and we got sued occasionally for our rogue bouncers. And I tell ya, lawsuits really got the attention of management like nothing else.

And dude, if you can get someone to pay you for playing your guitar, no shame in doing it. It's tough to make a living.

Ronald said...

@Mikki

Well it's just a little underhanded to use an old quote like that as if it's something they currently do. If you had said "I would write them off completely do to their association with this guy and what was said in 2003 and never ever ever ever take a fresh look at them" that would be totally okay.

I think a bit obstinate, but perfectly fine to do. But that's not what you said.

mikki said...

It's only "underhanded" if you don't understand what an "example" is. That quote is one example of the sexism, racism, and assholism they have been serving up for years. It supported my point. If I were writing a paper on the topic, perhaps I would have taken the time to look at the rich historical record and pick a more recent example, but I wasn't, and I didn't. Oh well. If you have no problem with Vice and the values they propagate, that's your choice. It's a free country--they can sell it and you can buy it. Going the extra mile and nitpicking blog comments to show your support isn't particularly necessary, but knock yourself out.

I commented to support Patrick, but I had to say that I disagree with him, and agree with Joe, on that one point.

P, hope to run into you and E soon under better circs!

Ronald said...

Let's get him!!!

http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2009/11/06/vice-employee-of-the-year-remy/

Mandy said...

aw, wish i had more money so you could come play happy, down to earth, nerdy kids some good music a second time around at my college. but alas. new york is where the cash be.

Mariel said...

This sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know exactly the NJTransit/Hoboken bros you are talking about, I'm from jersey too. People like that are so hard to deal with.

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Maria said...

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D said...

This sounds likea nightmare People who like that are so hard to deal with

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Yemek Tarifleri Thanks for this post – I have struggled with this as I have NO comments yet on my blog and in some ways feel badly about that (until i read your posts about this) and yet I see there is more that I can do. thankss.

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the first years wave stroller said...

Wow! I had a mad last halloween but nothing compared to this lol.

Maria Sherperr
Dublin University
The First Years Wave Stroller

the first years wave stroller said...

I had a great halloween last year.

Nothing in comparison to your though, that sounds bloody crazy lol.

Maria Sherperr
Dublin University
The First Years Wave Stroller

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